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R.A.W.'s Page of Jokes,
Limericks, and Off-Color Tales
Updated April 12, 2001
What are these guys trying to tell us?
One afternoon Moe is driving down a highway to visit a nearby lake and relax. On his way to the lake he sees a guy dressed from head to toe in red standing on the side of the highway and gesturing him to stop. Moe rolls down the window and asks "How can I help you?"
"I am the red bastard of the grey asphalt," the stranger intones "and you must give me something to eat!"
With a smile on his face Moe hands one of his sandwiches to the red weirdo and drives away. Not even five minutes later he comes across another character dressed fully in yellow, standing on the side and waving him to stop. A bit irritated Moe stopped, cranked down the window and asked "What can I do for you?"
"I am the yellow bastard of the grey asphalt," the yellow figure intones, "and you must give me something to drink!"
Hardly managing to smile this time Moe hands to the guy a can of beer and then stomps on the pedal and takes off again. In order to make it to the lakeside before sunset he decides to go faster and not to stop no matter what. To his frustration he sees another guy on the side of the road, dressed all in blue, making a hand signal to stop him. Not quite willing Moe decides to stop a last time.
He rolls his window down and yells to the guy, "I know, you're the blue bastard of the grey asphalt. But just what the fuck do you want?"
"Driver's license and registration, please."
"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult."
-- Rita Rudner
Benefits of Faith-Based Organizations
A row over a picture of the Virgin Mary wearing a floral bikini has broken out in New Mexico.
Catholic activists have described the digital collage, by Los Angeles artist Alma Lopez, as "disgusting" and "insulting" and said they want it removed. It is being exhibited as part of a show in the Museum of International Folk Art in Santa Fe.
Archbishop Michael Sheehan said the work, Our Lady, depicted Mary "as if she were a tart".
But Lopez has said she sees nothing offensive about showing the Virgin Mary as a modern day woman."This is very conservative," she said. "Even if I look really hard at Our Lady, I don't see what is so offensive, honestly. I see beautiful bodies that are gifts from our creator."
Hundreds of angry protesters showed up for a public hearing on Wednesday held by the Museum of New Mexico board on whether the picture should be removed. But the crowd was too large for the venue, leaving more than 300 outside chanting "cancel the meeting."
More than 400 crammed inside but the board called off the meeting after about half an hour when police said they feared possible violence by those outside.
Source: http://news.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/entertainment/arts/newsid_1261000/1261720.stm
"I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed
contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts."
-- John Steinbeck
Dear Dr. Laura:
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination.
I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other specific Biblical laws and how to follow them.
a) When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.b) I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
c) I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanness (Lev.15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
d) Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
e) I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?
f) A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?
g) Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?
h) Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die?
i) I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
j) My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev.24:10-16) Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)
A lascivious monk from Dundee
Buggered a nun in a tree
While deep in her ass
He chanted High Mass
And even the Pope came to see
"Blue costumes are real. Guns are real. Cars with
bubble-gum machines on top are real. Cops
are a social fiction."
--Hagbard Celine
Benefits of Faith-BasedOrganizatons II
In Afghanistan the ruling Taliban have detained dozens of barbers for trimming the hair of young men in Kabul to look like Leonardo Di Caprio in the film Titanic.
The religious police, who enforce an interpretation of Islam that includes a ban on shaving, are not amused by the trend.
"We don't know for sure the precise number of the arrested people, but reportedly they exceed 30 and have been in the jail for over a week now for giving a Titanic hairstyle," said one barber, who declined to be identified.
Source: http://www.ireland.com/newspaper/front/2001/0126/fro3.htm
"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."
-- Sue Murphy
Sweet Charity
The Detroit-based Love Your Neighbor Corp. has sued a charity, Love Thy Neighbor Fund Inc. of Fort Lauderdale, Fla., for trademark infringement. Partner Julie A. Greenberg of Birmingham, Mich.'s Gifford, Kras, Groh, Sprinkle, Anderson & Citkowski is representing the plaintiff. Among the allegations is the complaint that Love Thy Neighbor caused Love Your Neighbor to suffer "lost sales and profits it would have made but for these wrongful acts."
Source: UNDERNEWS APR 2
citing NATIONAL LAW JOURNAL:
Q: What is the definition of wicker box?
A: It's what Elmer Fudd wants to do to Madonna.
A radio station was running a competition - words that weren't in the dictionary yet could still be used in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali.
DJ: "96 FM here, what's your name?"
Caller: "Hi, my name's Dave."
DJ: "Dave, what's your word?"
Caller: "Goan... spelt G-O-A-N pronounced 'go-an'."
DJ: "You are correct, Dave, 'goan' is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?"
Caller: "Goan fuck yourself!"
The DJ cut the caller off and took other calls, all unsuccessful until:
DJ: "96 FM, what's your name?"
Caller: "Hi, me name's Jeff."
DJ: "Jeff, what's your word?"
Caller: "Smee, spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced 'smee'."
DJ: "You are correct, Jeff, 'smee' is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?"
Caller: "Smee again! Goan fuck yourself!"
BENEFITS OF FAITH-BASED ORGANIZATIONS III
Italian Environmental Minister Willler Bordon has accused Vatican Radio of exceeding Italian laws on radiation and of being a health hazard.
Last month, Bordon threatened to cut off all electricity to the radio's transmission center on Rome's outskirts. Residents have said the radio's forest of large antennae have resulted in a higher incidence of leukemia in the area and refer to the radiation as "electrosmog."
Source: Reuters April 10 1:39 PM ET
There was a young gaucho named Bruno
Who said "Sex is the one thing I do know.
Women are fine
And sheep are divine
But the iguana is Numero Uno!"
"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves."
-- August Strindberg
It drippeth as the gentle rain from heaven
GOD: a low comedian performing for an audience too terrified to laugh.
-- H.L. Mencken
SALT LAKE CITY, Utah - The shit definitely hit the fan and every other part of a home in Utah. A shower of dung from a reportedly unknown source covered two sides of the home, the backyard and a hot tub. When similar blobs hit homes in Salt Lake County in spring 1999, homeowners blamed aircraft for dumping septic tanks in flight. But in this last incident, the mess was devoid of tell-tale blue chemicals used in plane's toilets, and officials from the Federal Aviation Administration maintain that aircraft do not have the ability to empty their tanks while flying.
Source: Bizarre News
The vicar of Santa Domingo
Said to the curate, "By jingo!
Blast women and boys,
I need some new joys!"
And he promptly fucked a flamingo.
"If we want things to stay as they are, things will have to change."
-- Guiseppi di Lampedusa
Rodney walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots. One for me and one for my best buddy here."
The bartender says, "You want both drinks now or do you want me to wait until your buddy arrives to pour his?"
Rodney says, "Oh, I want them both now. I've got my best buddy in my pocket here." With that he pulls out a little 3- inch man from his pocket.
The bartender says, "Wow! And you mean to say he can drink that much?" "Oh, sure. He can drink it all, and then some," Rodney retorted. So the bartender poured the two shots. Sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.
"That's amazing," says the bartender. "What else can he do? Can he walk?" Rodney flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey Al, go get that quarter!" The little guy runs down to the end of the bar, picks up the quarter, and runs back down and gives it to Rodney.
The bartender is totally amazed by this display. "That's a hoot," he says, "what else can he do? Does he talk?"
Rodney looks up at the bartender with a look of surprise in his eye and squawks, "Talk? Sure he talks --too bloody much. Hey Al, tell him about that time we were in down in Africa on safari and you told that witch doctor to go fuck himself!"
"Ever consider what dogs must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!"
-- Anne Tyler
WORDS TO PONDER
There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
"To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs."
-- Aldous Huxley
BENEFITS OF FAITH-BASED ORGANIZATIONS IV
TOKYO (Reuters) - Japanese police have issued arrest warrants for the leaders of the "foot" cult suspected of charging huge fees to diagnose ailments by examining the soles of people's feet, Kyodo news agency reported on Monday. Believers were told to buy religious goods and have expensive training to ensure they were cured.
Police have issued arrest warrants for the leader Teruyoshi Fukunaga, 55, and several other leaders of the cult, Kyodo said.
Source: http://news.excite.com/news/r/000509/08/odd-cult
"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."
-- Robert Anson Heinlein
Benefits of Faith-Based Organizations V
A campaign has been launched in Malaysia to try to protect gullible women from being duped into having sex with shamans In the past year, 12 cases have been reported, four of them involving women who were told having sex with shamans would improve their businesses or bring back their straying husbands. The women's wing of the Malaysian Chinese Association has launched the campaign to make women more aware of the problem, reports The Straits Times. The group's leader Dr Ng Yen Yen says: "We believe there are many more cases which are not reported, particularly in rural areas." She also cited the case of a medium calling himself the Drunken Monk. He would cover himself in dirt, then wash his feet in brandy and water. Women devotees would drink the water, believing it was blessed. "These women were unsuspecting and ended up getting exploited," she says.
Source: forteana@lists.primenet.com
The Alabama preacher rose with an angry red face. "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family." No one moved.
The preacher continued, " Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again all was quiet.
Slowly a "drop dead" gorgeous blond with a body that would not stop rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and voice quivered as she spoke.
"Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Klan. I told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
Children's Books That Didn't Make It...
BENEFITS OF FAITH-BASED ORGANIZATIONS VI
TEL AVIV, Israel (AP) - Hand over that hamburger - it's a violation of the law. That's the message from Israeli government inspectors, checking plates of food on restaurant tables and confiscating bread and other leavened products, enforcing a strict religious edict that is also an Israeli law.
Jewish law dictates that during the weeklong holiday of Passover, which began Saturday night, Jews must not possess, much less eat, bread or other products with leaven in them. But in Tel Aviv, where the overwhelming majority of residents are nonobservant Jews, many restaurants continue serving the forbidden food. They used to get away with it. Now they're facing the bread police.
With the ultra-Orthodox Jewish Shas party in charge of the Interior Ministry, the edict is being enforced in a way that angers even the lawmakers who wrote it.
Explaining the raids, ministry spokesman Itzik Sudri said, "This law exists to safeguard the Jewish character of the state, and we intend to enforce it."
Source: http://news.excite.com/news/ap/010411/04/int-israel-passover-raid
How To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1) At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3) Insist that your e mail address is: Xena-Warrior-Princess@Uwillnotwin.com ....or Elvis-the-King@iseedeadpeople.com
4) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
5) Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."
6) Pretend an unnatural fear of staplers.
7) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
8) In the memo field of all your checks, write "FOR SEXUAL FAVORS".
9) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."
10) Don't use any punctuation
11) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
12) Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
13) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
14) Sing along at the opera.
15) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
16) Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
17) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
18) Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.
19) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream"I Won!", "I Won!" 3rd time this week!!!"
20) When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!"
21) Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
22) Send this e-mail to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you or have asked you not to send them stuff like this.
And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity....
23. Just remember every day that George W. Bush is president.
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