Answers given by students who took a Bible knowledge test:
Adam and Eve in Guinness with the apple sounds like that student had entered the same realms of unconscious association explored by Joyce in Finnegans Wake
A doctor, a nurse and the president of an HMO were standing with St. Peter at the pearly gates. St. Peter asks the doctor why he believes he should be given entrance to heaven. The doctor replies that he has worked his whole career to heal and treat people. St. Peter allows the doctor into heaven. St. Peter turns to the nurse and asks why she should be given entrance to heaven. The nurse replies that her whole career she was right there along side the doctor taking of the patient and making them as comfortable as was possible. St. Peter allows the nurse into heaven. St. Peter next asks the president of the HMO why he believed he should be given entrance into heaven. The HMO president replies that he was right there with the doctor and the nurse making sure these procedures were affordable. St. Peter opens the pearly gates as he tells the HMO president “Okay, but you can only stay for two days.”
In a 1995 email, Bob’s friend Rasa sent Bob this list of answers to the Chicken Question that someone had sent to him. Rasa was delighted to see Robert Anton Wilson in the list of “famous” people answering the question. Scroll to the bottom of the list to see Bob’s response.
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
Plato: For the greater good.
Karl Marx: It was an historical inevitability.
Hamlet: Because ’tis better to suffer in the mind the slings and arrows of outrageous road maintenance than to take arms against a sea of oncoming vehicles.
Doug Hofstadter: To seek explication of the correspondence between appearance and essence through the mapping of the external road-object onto the internal road-concept.
Machiavelli: So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken’s dominion maintained.
Hippocrates: Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its pancreas.
H.P. Lovecraft: To futilely attempt escape from the dark powers which even then pursued it, hungering after the stuff of its soul!
Jacques Derrida: Any number of contending discourses may be discovered within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial intent can never be discerned, because structuralism is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD!
Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I’ll find out.
Robert Anton Wilson: Because agents of the Ancient Illuminated Roosters of Cooperia were controlling it with their Orbital Mind-Control Lasers as part of their master plan to take over the world’s egg production.
Timothy Leary: Because that’s the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.
Douglas Adams: Forty-two.
Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.
Aleister Crowley: Because it was its True Will to do so.
Oliver North: National Security was at stake.
Sappho: For the touch of your skin, the sweetness of your lips…
J.R.R. Tolkein: The chicken, sunlight coruscating off its radiant yellow- white coat of feathers, approached the dark, sullen asphalt road and scrutinized it intently with its obsidian-black eyes. Every detail of the thoroughfare leapt into blinding focus: the rough texture of the surface, over which count- less tires had worked their relentless tread through the ages; the innumerable fragments of stone embedded within the lugubrious mass, perhaps quarried from the great pits where the Sons of Man labored not far from here; the dull black asphalt itself, exuding those waves of heat which distort the sight and bring weakness to the body; the other attributes of the great highway too numerous to give name. And then it crossed it.
Malcolm X: Because it would get across that road by any means necessary.
B.F. Skinner: Because the external influences which had pervaded its sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own free will.
Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.
Gary Gygax: Because I rolled a 64 on the “Chicken Random Behaviors” chart on page 497 of the Dungeon Master’s Guide.
Trent Reznor: Because the world is FUCKED UP and it HATES ITSELF for being such a PITIFUL WHINY USELESS SHIT!
Dorothy Parker: Travel, trouble, music, art / A kiss, a frock, a rhyme / The chicken never said they fed its heart / But still they pass its time.
T.S. Eliot: It’s not that they cross, but that they cross like chickens.
Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.
Jean-Luc Picard: To see what’s out there.
Darth Vader: Because it could not resist the power of the Dark Side.
Ludwig Wittgenstein: The possibility of “crossing” was encoded into the objects “chicken” and “road”, and circumstances came into being which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.
John Constantine: Because it’d made a bollocks of things over on this side of the road and figured it’d better get out right quick.
Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
Gandalf: O chicken, do not meddle in the affairs of roads, for you are tasty and good with barbecue sauce.
Baldrick: It had a cunning plan.
Aristotle: To actualize its potential.
Roseanne Barr: Urrrrrp. What chicken?
Candide: To cultivate its garden.
Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.
Joseph Conrad: Mistah Chicken, he dead.
Salvador Dali: The Fish.
Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.
Rene Descartes: It had sufficient reason to believe it was dreaming anyway.
Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death.
Bob Dylan: How many roads must one chicken cross?
Epicurus: For fun.
Paul Erdos: It was forced to do so by the chicken-hole principle.
Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn’t cross the road; it transcended it.
Basil Fawlty: Oh, don’t mind that chicken. It’s from Barcelona.
Gerald R. Ford: It probably fell from an airplane and couldn’t stop its forward momentum.
Sigmund Freud: The chicken obviously was female and obviously interpreted the pole on which the crosswalk sign was mounted as a phallic symbol of which she was envious, selbstverständlich.
Robert Frost: To cross the road less traveled by.
Johann Friedrich von Goethe: The eternal hen-principle made it do it.
Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.
Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.
Adolf Hitler: It needed Lebensraum.
David Hume: Out of custom and habit.
Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
Lee Iacocca: It found a better car, which was on the other side of the road.
John Paul Jones: It has not yet begun to cross!
Martin Luther King: It had a dream.
James Tiberius Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
Jean-Luc Picard: To boldly go where no bird has gone before.
Stan Laurel: I’m sorry, Ollie. It escaped when I opened the run.
Leda: Are you sure it wasn’t Zeus dressed up as a chicken? He’s into that kind of thing, you know.
Gottfried Von Leibniz: In this best possible world, the road was made for it to cross.
Groucho Marx: Chicken? What’s all this talk about chicken? Why, I had an uncle who thought he was a chicken. My aunt almost divorced him, but we needed the eggs.
Karl Marx: To escape the bourgeois middle-class struggle.
Gregor Mendel: To get various strains of roads.
John Milton: To justify the ways of God to men.
Sir Isaac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest. Chickens in motion tend to cross the road.
Jack Nicholson: ‘Cause it fuckin’ wanted to. That’s the fuckin’ reason.
Thomas Paine: Out of common sense.
Michael Palin: Nobody expects the banished inky chicken!
Wolfgang Pauli: There already was a chicken on the other side of the road.
Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?
Ronald Reagan: I can’t recall why, uh, um. Did you say it was a chicken?
Georg Friedrich Riemann: The answer appears in Dirichlet’s lectures.
John Sununu: The Air Force was only too happy to provide the transportation, so quite understandably the chicken availed himself of the opportunity.
Sisyphus: Was it pushing a rock, too?
Socrates: To pick up some hemlock at the corner druggist.
The Sphinx: You tell me.
Margaret Thatcher: There was no alternative.
Bill Clinton: Did someone say chicken? Why I think I’ll just chase that chick across the road and snatch me a piece.
Beavis: Heh heh, he said “snatch.” Heh heh, heh heh.
Butthead: Shut up, Bevis, or I’ll smack you so hard you’ll end up on the other side of the road.
Dylan Thomas: To not go (sic) gentle into that good night.
Henry David Thoreau: To live deliberately … and suck all the marrow out of life.
Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.
Mae West: I invited it to come up and see me sometime.
Walt Whitman: To cluck the song of itself.
William Wordsworth: To have something to recollect in tranquility.
Molly Yard: It was a hen!
Henny Youngman: Take this chicken … please.
Zeno of Elea: To prove it could never reach the other side.
Mr. Scott: ‘Cos ma wee transporter beam was na functioning properly. Ah canna work miracles, Captain!
Howard Cosell: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurrence.
Thanks for the chicken jokes.
A few more I thought of:
Thomas Jefferson: All hens are endowed by Nature and Nature’s God with certain unalienable rights, and among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of the other side.
James Joyce: An ova eggspressed! Mrs. Hahn, Cock’s wife, flapped up a stormin drang (one louve, one fear) and, like any tennis son, charged like a lewd brigade, clucking and clacking like a horsenfifer, nobirdy avair soar anywing like that load allmarshey.
Bart Simpson: I will not use the school chicken as a frisbee. I will not use the school chicken as
Oscar Wilde: This chicken problem has many depths, but all of them are equally shallow.
Weekly World News: Nostradamus predicted chicken/UFO horror!
Charles Fort: Of course, I have heard of the “fourth dimension” but whatever is wrong with me has not advanced to the point where I will offer it as an explanation in a case like this. Maybe the damned chicken just wanted to see the other side. Maybe.
Hannibal Lecter: I ate her liver. With fava beans. And a fresh cranberry sauce.
“Jesus loves you, but everybody else thinks you’re an ass-hole.”
–found skimming the alt.slack file
Wish I’d said that. Wish I’d said it to Jerry Falwell…
New York Times 6/1/96
Timothy Leary, Pied Piper Of Psychedelic 60’s, Dies at 75
There are several versions of Tim’s last words in print now. The one I prefer is “Why not? Why not? Why not?”
He said the day before, “I’m getting previews…” with a radiant smile.
I heard his voice on the phone this morning…a real shock. They haven’t changed the voicemail message yet…….
“Blue costumes are real. Guns are real. Cars with bubble-gum machines on top are real. Cops are a social fiction.”
CNN just ran an interview with a professional exorcist named Roy Larson [around 5:15 PST]
Rev. Larson estimated the percentage of Americans possessed by demons as 50% — half of us!!! — and urged that nobody should live more than a mile from an exorcist.
DON’T PRAY IN OUR SCHOOLS
AND WE WON’T
THINK IN YOUR CHURCHES
14 Bhadra, 1927
1 Elul, 5765
3 September, 2005 e.v.
2 Ren-Chen 8 Yi-You 94 (Year of the Chicken)
Little Tony was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th candy bar, a man on the bench across from him said,
“Son, you know eating all that candy isn’t good for you. It will give
you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.
“Little Tony replied, “My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.”
The man asked, “Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?”
Little Tony answered, “No, he minded his own fucking business.”
Strap-On Veterans for Truth
An organization dedicating to exposing the truth about
the former drag queen now known as Ann Coulter
We are a coalition of former friends and co-workers of Ann Coulter who are upset by her vicious anti-gay, anti-Muslim, anti-feminist rhetoric and feel the truth should be told. Our organization, Strap-On Veterans For Truth, is dedicated to exposing the true past of America’s number one hatemonger.
Ann Coulter is actually a former drag queen from Key West named Pudenda Shenanigans. Ms. Shenanigans was famous for her renditions of “Dude Looks Like a Lady” “I Will Survive” and “You Shook Me All Night Long” as well as an extensive Barbra Streisand repertoire. We who used to work with her are concerned for her as well as upset by the vile hatred she has spewed towards her former friends in the gay community. We feel that by bringing the truth to light perhaps Ann will come to grips with her past and change her wicked ways.
As Pudenda Shenanigans, she was well known on the drag circuit in Key West. Whether she actually had a full sex change or not is a matter of debate, although her Adam’s apple is still visible in photos, under the appropriate light. We who laughed, cried, worked and danced with her feel her story should be told. We are not out to punish her, but feel it’s time she owned up to what she really is.
The person known today as Ann Coulter was born Jeremy Levinsohn in the village in New York in 1960. His parents were typical latte-drinking liberals, religiously conservative, but socially and politically radical. His father taught Russian Literature at CUNY and his mother was a social worker. His childhood friend Rodger Mihalot described him, “The Levinsohns were nice people, but his father was distant, so Jeremy seemed to seek a strong male figure in his life. Although they were Jewish, he often hung out at our church, and really seemed to spend a lot of time with Fr. Donatella Nowunn. I also think he was really looking to rebel against his overly liberal parents. Otherwise he was a typical kid, he liked to play cowboy, sailor and gladiator a lot. His favorite movie was always The Sheik, he really seemed to have a fascination with Arabs, I don’t know why.”
In the 70’s Jeremy went to Brandeis, where he majored in Sociology, with a minor in comparative religions. His lifelong fascination with Muslims really seemed to take root at Brandeis. But college roommate Ima Gaiboyye described an unhappy man, “He was never really interested in women, but did go see the theater company’s production of “The Wizard of Oz” 10 times, I thought he liked the girl who played the lead, he really talked about her outfit a lot. After college Jeremy just dropped off the face of the earth, we never heard from him again.”
Jeremy drifted for awhile before finding himself in Key West. Co-worker Licky Dickenstein described these early years, “Jeremy was a natural, I never saw anyone take to drag so quickly. Once he found his persona, he WAS Pudenda Shenanigans. For most of us drag was a part time thing, but Pudenda was 24-7, always in character, always in costume. She really shook things up, she was a goddess on stage.”
By 1985 Ms. Shenanigans was dating a Lebanese businessman, Ustahav Toubohls and the two were believed to be deliriously happy. Friends report Pudenda always had a fetish for Muslims and was considering a marriage proposal. But then she opened up the New York Times one day and saw a picture of Mr. Toubohls with a famous actress in New York. Former friend Gaivit Tuhym described the result, “Pudenda was devastated, she couldn’t stand seeing her Toubohls with another woman. She cried and cried, ‘I miss my Toubohls, I want my Toubohls back!’ I don’t think she ever forgave him, the New York Times, or Muslims in general.”
After that Ms. Shenanigans disappeared for years, only resurfacing in the 90’s as Ann Coulter. Her hatred for Muslims, gays and feminists is odd for her former coworkers. Long Dick Gone, a former co-worker stated, “At first I thought there was something funny about this Ann Coulter. I mean here’s a woman who claims to hate feminists, but is in her 40’s, single, no kids, is very opinionated and outspoken and concentrates on her career. Ann Coulter is the biggest example of a feminist I ever saw. Then I noticed that in just the right light you could see that Adam’s apple and that’s when I recognized our little Pudenda Shenanigans, the hottest drag queen this side of Fire Island.”
Strap-On Veterans For Truth
Once they realized who Ann Coulter was, Strap-On Veterans For Truth was formed.
Ann’s former friends and co-workers realized that her intense hatred of gays, feminists and Muslims was really self-loathing and continuing hurt from the loss of her beloved Toubohls. Although we know she’s been through a lot, we feel hurt by her turning against everything she used to hold dear. We love you Ann, or Pudenda, or Jeremy. We respect whatever lifestyle of gender you choose. We just want you to be true to yourself and please stop the hatred. Come back to us and share the love of your friends and community again.
Strap-On Veterans for Truth is a proud partner of The Hoolinet.
(Our apologies to drag queens everywhere.)
There was a young man from Glenglozle
Who found a remarkable fossil
He deduced from the bend
And the wart on the end
‘Twas the peter of Paul the Apostle
A thoughtful comment on the FCC:
Send this EVERYWHERE!
Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed. One of them said, “I’m the best surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident. I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England.” One of the others said, “That’s nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident. I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in field events at the Olympics.”
The third surgeon said, “You guys are amateurs. Several years ago, a cowboy, who was high on cocaine and alcohol, rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse’s ass and a cowboy hat. Now, he’s president of the United States.”
There was a young monk of Hong Kong
Who had a three-headed dong
A small one for sucking
A BIG one for fucking
And an extra for beating the gong
Dear President Bush:
The Presidential Prayer Team is currently urging us to: “Pray for the President as he seeks wisdom on how to legally codify the definition of marriage. Pray that it will be according to Biblical principles. With any forces insisting on variant definitions of marriage, pray that God’s Word and His standards will be honored by our government.”
Any religious person believes prayer should be balanced by action. So here, in support of the Prayer Team’s admirable goals, is a proposed Constitutional Amendment to codify marriage on biblical principles:
How to start your day with a positive attitude:
Create a “new folder” on your computer.
Name it “George W. Bush”.
Send it to the trash.
Empty the trash.
Your computer will ask you: “Do you really want to delete “George W. Bush”?
Calmly answer, “Yes”, and press the mouse button firmly…
O the freshmen get no tail up at Yale
Yes the freshmen get no tail up at Yale
You should hear them howl and wail
‘Cause they never get no tail up at Yale
There ain’t no fornication up at Yale
There ain’t no fornication
They are sunk in masturbation
It’s the arse-hole of creation up at Yale
BENEFITS OF FAITH-BASED ORGANIZATIONS
Childless couple told to try sex
A German couple who went to a fertility clinic after eight years of marriage have found out why they are still childless – they weren’t having sex.
The University Clinic of Lubek said they had never heard of a case like it after examining the couple who went to see them last month for fertility tests.
Doctors subjected them to a series of examinations and found they were both apparently fertile, and should have had no trouble conceiving.
A clinic spokesman said: “When we asked them how often they had had sex, they looked blank, and said: “What do you mean?”.
“We are not talking retarded people here, but a couple who were brought up in a religious environment who were simply unaware, after eight years of marriage, of the physical requirements necessary to procreate.”
Source: Nanova News
Three gents were drinking apple martinis in a bar
and had gotten to the stage of arguing about details.
“I tell you it’s spelled W-O-O-M,” the first said loudly.
“No no, no,” the second protested. “It’s W-O-O-0-M.’
“You’re both wrong,” the third ventured.
“I say it’s W-O-O-M-B.”
A gynecologist passing spoke up. “You’re getting close,” she told them. “Actually, it’s W-O-M-B.”
They stared at her a moment, then stared at each other. Finally one spoke:
“Madam,” he said, “it’s obvious that you’ve never heard an elephant fart.”
PHILADELPHIA (Reuters) – A federal prisoner was sentenced to an extra 18 months in jail on Friday for threatening to kill former first lady and New York Democratic Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton, prosecutors said.
He told a psychologist he made the threat because his life was dull and he wanted some notoriety, they said.
Edward Falvey, 51, admitted to a charge of threatening to kill or inflict bodily harm on Clinton in an effort to gain “15 minutes of fame.” He is currently serving a 30-month sentence in a Fairton, New Jersey, prison for bank robbery.
In a letter he wrote last April to a psychologist at the prison, Falvey said he wanted to shoot a famous person so he could acquire a bad reputation.
“I want notoriety in my life. My life is dull and boring. I need to spice it up,” he wrote, according to a statement from U.S. Attorney Christopher Christie in Camden, New Jersey.
To: Aaron Leitch
Operator: Thank you for calling Pizza
Hut. May I have your national ID
Customer: Hi, I’d like to place an
Operator: I must have your NIDN first,
Customer: My National ID Number, yeah,
hold on, eh, it’s 6102049998-45-54610.
Operator: Thank you Mr. Smith. I see you
live at 1742 Meadowland Drive, and the
phone number is 494-2366. Your office
number over at Lincoln Insurance is 745-
2302 and your cell number is 266-2566.
Email address is firstname.lastname@example.org Which
number are you calling from?
Customer: Huh? I’m at home. Where’d you
get all this information?
Operator: We’re wired into the HSS, sir.
Customer: The HSS, what is that?
Operator: We’re wired into the Homeland
Security System, sir. This will add only
15 seconds to your ordering time.
Customer: (sighs) Oh well, I’d like to
order a couple of your All Meat
Operator: I don’t think that’s a good
Customer: Whaddya mean?
Operator: Sir, your medical records and
commode sensors indicate that you’ve got
very high blood pressure and extremely
high cholesterol. Your National Health
Care provider won’t allow such an
unhealthy choice .
Customer: What?!?! What do you
Operator: You might try our low-fat
Soybean Pizza.I’m sure you’ll like
Customer: What makes you think I’d like
something like that?
Operator: Well, you checked out ‘Gourmet
Soybean Recipes’ from your local library
last week, sir. That’s why I made the
Customer: All right, all right. Give me
two family-sized ones, then
Operator: That should be plenty for you,
your wife and your four kids.
Your 2 dogs can finish the crusts, sir.
Your total is $49.99.
Customer: Lemme give you my credit card
Operator: I’m sorry sir, but I’m afraid
you’ll have to pay in cash. Your credit
card balance is over its limit.
Customer: I’ll run over to the ATM and
get some cash before your driver gets
Operator: That won’t work either, sir.
Your checking account is overdrawn also.
Customer: Never mind! Just send the
pizzas. I’ll have the cash ready. How
long will it take?
Operator: We’re running a little behind,
sir. It’ll be about 45 minutes, sir. If
you’re in a hurry you might want to
pick’em up while you’re out getting the
cash, but then, carrying pizzas on a
motorcycle can be a little awkward.
Customer: Wait! How do you know I ride a
Operator: It says here you’re in arrears
on your car payments, so your
car got repo’ed. But your Harley’s paid
for and you just filled the tank
Customer: Well, I’ll be a #%#^^&$%^$@#
Operator: I’d advise watching your
language, sir. You’ve already got a
July 4, 2003, conviction for cussing out
a cop and another one I see here in
September for contempt at your hearing
for cussing at a judge. Oh yes, I see
here that you just got out from a 90 day
stay in the State Correctional Facility.
Is this your first pizza since your
return to society?
Operator: Will there be anything else,
Customer: Yes, I have a coupon for a
free 2 liter of Coke.
Operator: I’m sorry sir, but our ad’s
exclusionary clause prevents us from
offering free soda to diabetics. The New
Constitution our country started using
in 2006 prohibits this.
Thank you for calling Pizza Hut!
We’re all fucked. It helps to remember that.
— George Carlin